Ben Eder
AP Comm.
short essay
Satire a current social or political situation

Medical Morals in Our Society

It would be a moral outrage if a human were cloned, a violation of the human body and mind. I applaud Mr. Clinton for his spiritual guidance on the issue, but I feel he should go further. It’s about time our government standardized our morals because some of us are very morally confused and would appreciate politicians such as Clinton, Gore, Nixon and Packwood teaching us about ethics.
America should not stop here, however; there are many other immoral things occurring in science and medicine that must be stopped immediately. To my alarm I have heard of individuals selling bodily fluids for sinful profit. This procedure should be immediately outlawed on a national level. Blood is a gift and a product of the body, as is semen and bone marrow. If we are allowed to swap these items, what’s next? Trading brains to pay the rent or purchasing saliva from your favorite movie star at your local pharmacy?
I am also told that people’s pets are sometimes put to sleep when they have a terminal illness or are no longer wanted by the owners. This is horrible! It should not be our choice when the pet should die. That is a choice better left to God almighty. When we step in and alter the time of death, we are playing God. What’s next? Choosing whether to have a child or not?
I find it particularly disturbing how some innocent patients are asked to remove their clothes at the doctor’s office. Doctors and others in the medical profession think this is necessary to diagnose certain ailments, but if you ask me, it’s an outrage. A body is to be hidden and protected, not shown to the world or the doctor. All hernia examinations should be banned.
Our moral guide is the Bible, and this document clearly stated that same-sex relations are immoral. I therefore propose that CPR not be performed one man to another or one woman to another. The act of CPR involves physical contact and CPR involves mouth to mouth contact. This is unacceptable, and even if it is practiced in private, it should definitely be hidden from our children who might get the wrong idea.
Every day billions of organisms are murdered in horrible ways in the name of science. We know these organisms as cancer cells, E-coli, Methanobacterium Ruminatum, or Ebola viruses*. We claim to be saving lives by doing research. Why does this “research” have to involve burning, chemical eradication, crushing, and freezing? The organisms used in tests have done no wrong. Why are they punished for the crimes of their relatives? Why don’t we arrest entire families rather than individual offenders as well? This research must stop. Let scientists use their fancy computers to simulate conditions, rather than actually practicing genocide on innocent life forms.
I urge the President and Congress to take further steps in our society’s moral correction. Please ban all exchange of bodily fluids, the euthanasia of pets, same-sex CPR in public, hernia examinations, the removal of clothes anywhere but the home, and all medical research which involves the needless murder of beings who just want to be. I believe our elected officials are eminently qualified, (through vast experience), to dictate our morality.

Note: Opinions expressed by this paper are not necessarily those of the author or his affiliates. The religious right is simply an easy, fun target.

For satirical effect I am considering a virus to be a living organism because its actions are dictated by genetic material; however the topic is one of great debate in the scientific community.